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Infidelity- Sex with another girl.

I had love-arrange marriage with my 3 yrs long relation bf. I love him so much and so does he. We live together now but when he was alone here he had sex with a girl. He intentionally did that. Later on I knew this otherwise, I would not have married him. He had relation with that girl for 2 months, had sex 17 times with and without condom.Shall I leave him? Shall I stay with him thinking that he really loves me? Shall I live in insecurities? May be, in future also... I had always been in this problem. No matter what my man does but he has to sleep with me only. But he did not care and made this blunder. “Jati gare pani birsinai sakdina. 104 degree jworo aaune gari kute, 4 palta. Jati kute pani thapi rakhchha”, He tells, "I did mistake so I had to face this". I
love him so much, can’t live without him. He only does what I like, “farkera jawaf pani laudaina”. I shout at him all the time, relate that matter in everything. What shall I do to make my life happy?He is my first and last love and I did not have physical relation. I can’t think of betraying him. Is there any medicine to forget that matter? He really loves me and says that was a blunder ‘cause I was not with him and situation made him do so. If it was an accident, I would have forgiven but it’s not only once. Help me!!! Give me the solution.
- Shreya/ U.S.A

Okay, what have we got here- another example of infidelity, but this time it’s the problem of a married couple and a man’s trust-worthiness is in question, unlike earlier problem. Please have a review of earlier problem from here and I’ll go to the solution for this one right away.

Love & sex are vastly different in meaning yet so inter-connected with each other (why?). Truthfully, they should not be related at all. Love is a feeling; kind of like that you will stop breathing if that person isn’t around, it’s the emotional bond between 2 people. Whereas sex is just a physical need for pleasure and procreation. I honestly feel that having sex without loving the person is just a quench to your physical need. Dogs have sex, lions have sex, and any male/female can have sex. But to make love to someone you have those feelings for is a privilege to share that intimate moment with someone you love is so fulfilling, and probably the best sex. It defies explanation. I got a feeling this hasn’t helped you at all, but look at it this way, you can have sex with anyone (Don’t, but !!), you don’t have to love someone to have sex, but if you love someone you will want to have sex with them.

Anyways, my point is he might have had sex with the other lady not made love. And from his attitude and apologize, we can say that he wants to work out on the relationship. May be it’s not a bad idea to give a LAST & FINAL chance but if and only if, you still love him and you can’t live without him. You might want to take the family, children (if any), your economics & your general survival into account when pondering a split-up.

Marriages don't work with this kind of things going on. Infidelity and adultery would surely rattle up any relationship easily. It has to stop and I hope it will for good, but keep your eyes open and discern what is happening. The trust will take a long time to be built again, but it is up to him to win it again. Time will heal your pain and mend your broken heart. Sorry to say but no quick-fix exists. Both of you’ll have to go through all the traumas and start re-building the trust and husband has to play the key role here by showing commitment to the relationship. If both spouses sincerely want the marriage to continue and are willing to work on it, then it is possible to have a healthy relationship again. You guys should take it as a wake-up call. I hope under-mentioned points might be helpful, as well:

Take a good care of yourself first.

Return to your normal activities only after you have calmed down and begin work on repairing the relationship.

Ask if the affair is over and if your spouse wants to work on rebuilding your trust and your marriage.

Talk with your cheating hubby about how you plan to deal with the affair and lay out a list of demands. Talk until you reach agreement on how you will move forward.

Set clear guidelines of what is expected in order to regain your trust. Be very clear about your expectations and that you will settle for nothing less.

Pry and spy on your spouse until you are satisfied that the cheating is over. You must know if actions match words.

Forgive completely. A heart that holds resentment cannot be mend. You may need to get help for yourself in order to forgive your partner.

Find and use one confidant with whom to share your pain.

Your words are empty if you are not prepared to follow through with your threats of leaving.

Do not accept excuses. It’s entirely your husband’s immorality and lack of self-control.

Do not blame yourself.

Do not tell everyone about the infidelity.

-- Dr. Teen.


boarding101 said...

that is one sad reality we as one community should face. Showing our children love and acceptance will give them no reason to submit themselves on things that will hurt them.

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